This is weird. Coming on here to write a post when I energetically I don’t feel ok. I feel like I have this big dark cloud and I just want to sleep. I’ve noticed old patterns resurfacing and last week I had a panic attack. People have this concept that those who are in their spiritual journey have it all together. How many of you have seen a guru when they’re down? At the end of the day, I don’t think some feel comfortable with sharing that. It’s not good for their brand. I have no product to sale. I have no image to maintain, I’m not offering any services. I am just here trying to figure out life. Trying to better myself, so fuck it. I have bad days and this is me in my raw form.
I should be feeling ok. I should actually be jubilant. Yeah, fucking jubilant. I’ve manifested some great things. I have advanced in my Ifa practice. I have so many things to be grateful for. I have some exciting changes happening and I’m getting things ready to launch my own podcast. So why am I down? That’s the big fucking question.
The journey is not linear, it’s not. As I am writing this I feel kind of in a trance. Life is not linear. The journey is not easy. Life isn’t meant to be easy. It’s suppose to challenge us and we’re supposed to feel low. It gets us into a state of vulnerability. To access those emotions that we have pushed down rather than work through it. Who wants to be torn open to work on all of their trauma and self-doubt? It sounds awful; but that’s exactly what needs to be done. I am being challenged to bring all of those things out into the open. As I write, I have an image of myself in my mind sitting crossed legged on the floor.. big box, just picking up letters. Makes sense. I do write… a lot.
I have been feeling pretty good. I have been growing a lot but I just hit an uncomfortable wall. You will too. It’s there because our soul knows it’s about to do some growing and it’s going to be pretty fucking uncomfortable. Once you cross that bridge and make it through it will all make sense.
So, I will surrender. I will surrender to not feeling ok, but still put in the work of getting it out of my system. Of writing down everything that I am grateful for. Of meditating and listening to chants. Of embracing the idea of becoming like water so I can just flow. This is not a happy post. I don’t have the truth. I am just like you in this journey. Growing, learning to be more compassionate, to have an infinite love for all.
I will be ok and if you’re under your own dark cloud, you’ll be ok too. Hang in there. It does get better.
A Thing Called Life 